As I grew older and discovered the world more, the reality became more blurry each passing event, what is life people asked me and I stood blank, I had a lot to contribute to that thought yet I had no one phrase to describe what life was to me, I sat there breaking all those events down trying to deduce out of them that one phrase, that one single sentence, to describe Life, my senses go numb. Is life in the good that happened or the worst things that fill my past years… what is life to me… I wondered….
Was it when my sister took her last breath in my arms, when her eyes turned white, and her lips turned blue and her body cold as ice, was that life?? Silently looking at me, waiting for a reaction, waiting for that question… waiting for that WHY?? That never slipped through my lips, I sat blank and my body numb… People asked me how do you smile, how do you even manage to feel happy after that, does it not hurt you that she is dead? Were you not attached to her? Was she ill? Were you expecting her death? And that one question that people asked each other rather than me or my family members; did she kill herself? I wished for the ground to turn soft and it could just suck me in so I wouldn’t have to answer anyone again, because I told them a million times already and it still hurts like hell… please stop asking I would say to myself, please it hurts… Life was there still… waiting for that one reaction that never appeared on the day my world turned grey… so life was; being patient when your world is breaking into pieces and you can never mend it again.
An year after she passed away I was enrolled in the same university as she was, attended the same courses, was taught by her teachers who looked at me trying to see her in my skin, by her classmates who once laughed and cried with her, the same people who were once associated closely to her, same classroom, same faces, it was so painful that I couldn’t absorb the pain, so I cried, I cried day and night, but I didn’t run away, I saw life there too, smiling at me waiting for that WHY again… But I stood strong. For my family, for my friends, but most of all for my Big Sister. Her life for me was; being strong when you’re at your weakest.
I have many beautiful phases too… The time when I first felt attracted towards someone, and then having him be The One for me, that feeling of being loved, and being able to brighten His world just as much as he brightens mine, that need for belonging fulfilled, that charm all around you, that feeling of having the same guy you loved since childhood becoming something more than a classmate, more than a friend, and then more than Life itself, so there Life was; loving someone with the purity of your heart and being able to be loved back.
Trying to work hard doing things I never did before, learning new ways to make my family proud, and then get appreciated by everyone on the things I did well, I was lucky to hear good remarks on the food I made, the work I did and the time I spent with friends and family listening to their problems and trying help as much as I can and not giving up on them when they gave up on hope, there life was; not quitting, or losing hope when the road was long.
Life is both Weak and Strong, High and Low, Good and Bad, categorizing it as purely negative will do no good to anyone, negative emotions give rise to more negative ones, be positive, it will make life simpler an easier, as it has made mine with passing time.
Life is not fair, but it’s not fair to all of us, which makes life pretty much fair, don’t you think??…